My Crazy 'Ole Sis
by remnantsofsanity
Summary: Sick drabbles of that Temari chick and stuff. I’m back guys! Ch3: Temari gives a guest a makeover. If you guys like comedy, COM right in! ;.
1. What not to say to her

My Crazy 'Ole Sis

What Not To Say To Her

R.OS: Ooh, a new story. Just some sick drabbles of that chick Temari and stuff. Not much point really, but I just write to please . How about a cookie?

Hello? Yea, it's me, Kankuro. You know, the weird sand dude who likes to play with dolls. They're technically not called dolls, more like warrior puppets, but you don't seem like the type smart enough to understand. No offense. Sand rules.

You see, at first I thought my little bro Gaara was a freak, but now I beg to differ. I've got two black eyes to show for it, and no, they're not from lack of sleep. (That's Gaara.) It's from my sister Temari.

I know what you're thinking, how can such a loyal, kind, generous fellow like me get beaten up by a crazy hag? Well you see, two words: Uzumaki Naruto.

I swear, that girl needs a break. The blond is obviously a dumbass, not that Temari's any different. He clearly doesn't know she likes him, yet she keeps on trying to come up with new ways to get into his pants.

_Bang! Bang! "Kankuro!" Said guy looks around to hide._

Oops. I guess Temari found out that her diary's missing. Hehe. Better run for it. It was fun to read her journal at the beginning…but now I'm _totally_ creeped out. You know the girl writes his name over and over again on every page?

"_KANKURO!"_

Oh shit.

Temari POV:

Damn! He got away. That teddy bear obviously does not respect his sister's rights. Yep, I said _teddy bear. _Don't you think he looks like one? With those two weird black things sticking out of his head. He looks like such a cute wee little tweddy – wait, hold on. Did I just call him cute? Like 'eew' with a double e. Anyways,he should go live with his dolls since he worships them so much. Then there'll be more room in this house. Yay, another shrine for my love!

But no matter how much I command him, plead him, ask him, and demand him, he just won't SCOOCH! That dude is such a selfish ass. He knows I need more room in here for Uzumaki and my kids, but he won't MOVE. Hell, Kankuro's doing this just to piss me off. I know he wants nothing much more than to get away from our scary kid bro Gaara, but he rather risk it with Gaara than give me a moments peace!

_Sobs. Blows her nose hard on a wet, slimy tissue._

I didn't even have time for training. You know, birth control and stuff, and the tying of REAL tight KNOTS for _things. _I'll get him for this. Oh yeah, I WILL. (_Horror music in the background)_

"_Temari shut that THING off!" Gaara comes in waving bunny slipper in the air. "I'm trying to go to sleep!"_

Argh! See, I_ told _you he was _scary. _I don't know why I live with them. I just hope that dirty bastard Kankuro didn't taint my diary.

"_Hell yeah I did!"_

"Kankuro! You shitty pile of –!"

Beep.

The following actions and activities were censored, due to the possibility of children lurking around and peeking in the background.

R.O.S: Naruto, get out!

_(Naruto comes out from hiding with a pout on.)_

Naruto: But I'm not a kid!

R.O.S: Too bad. Shoo.

_(Said boy slumps and starts to walk off.)_

R.O.S: Fine you can stay. But at one cost.

Naruto: What? I'll do anything!

R.O.S: Good but you can't get mad at me for what I'm going to do to you in the story.

Naruto: Gulp.

(A/N: Basically, what happened was Temari, being the woman that she was, tied Kankuro to a chair and started fixing him. No, not _that_ way, though she really wanted to. Temari grabbed one of the early bathing suits that she wore as a kid and stuffed her brother into it, not to mention Karasu. (Is that what his puppet's called in the Jap version of the anime?) Well, anyway after that her bro suffered from identity crisis, while she ran off to ask Gaara if she was allowed to leave for Konoha. Though she threatened one of the Kazekage's subordinates into giving her a pass since her brother was napping, so if it was really Gaara's permission, I don't know.)

Cont. of Temari's POV:

Squeee! I'm going to see Naruto!

_(Audience groans in background. Temari pulls out chainsaw. Audience quiets down.)_

As I was saying, I'm going to see Naruto! It's been nearly three years since I saw him. Did you hear me? – Three LONG years! I hope he still remembers my name.

_(Does a little dance.)_

'_He won't! He's got the Hyuuga, and maybe even the Haruno. If not, there are still a hundred other girls better than you! Why would he want some crazy-ass girl like you, Temari?'_

"Shut up conscience!"

'_You know what I said is true.'_

"Lalala! I can't hear you! Lalala!" Temari jams her ears with her fingers, but quickly regretted that from the weird looks passing civilians gave her.

Said girl continues on her journey to the village hidden in the leaves, stopping every now and then to take a shit.

-

-

-

-

Deep inside a cave, a fire was burning. Yeah, there were like FLAMES flying all over the place. 'Cause that's what happens when Sasuke's angry. You know how he usually has a stick up his ass? Well today he's got Oro's _twig _in him, and so he ain't feeling so chummy.

"Now, now my little Sasuke-kun. Settle down. You'll have this place ablaze if you don't STOP THAT RIGHT NOW." A fireball flew in the air and landed near Oro's feet.

"See, you could have hurt me with that."

"That was the point!"

"Lord Orochimaru, the soup is almost ready. But I have to say; it's a bit on the bland side. Would you like to – AHHH!" The Snake Man's groupie Kabuto's hair caught on fire. Yea, I said ON FIRE. There were like flames and stuff. Dude, he's practically being burned alive. And you know what our evil genius says?

"Hmmm. Kabuto's right. It needs some more seasoning. Wanna help me push him in the pot Sasuke-kun?"

**End Chapter**

Hehe. Personally, I think I went a little overboard on the attempt to put funny crap in the fic. It's a little bit on the lame/corny side, don't you think?

I'm not sure of the rating yet. But I'll keep it on teen 'cause I think teens have a right to read anything XD. Oh, and I hope you guys know that R.O.S. is short for remnantsofsanity, and that I usually don't write fics. I eat them.

0.0

Joking! Joking! Gosh, what a tough crowd. Well anyways, hope you enjoyed. This is my first attempt at a humor fic and I know I'm failing at it horribly :)

Anyways, I'm sort of dieing at my bedside, so if you are a kind, caring soul you'll know to send me some reviews. (Yeah, dieing from boredom.)

? Why do I get the feeling you think I'm an idiot? OO?


	2. Donut

My Crazy 'Ole Sis

Donut

A/N: Argh!! My whole lists of chapters have all been deleted… so I dun think I'd be posting much of anything for a while. Sniffs Sowwies for making u guys wait like forevr for an update. Hope u dun hate me now T-T

ALERT: Oocness and crazy authoress powers will be displayed quite VASTLY in the fic. Fantasy haters and pure party poopers are advised to leave now.

Okies, now lets start the fic. ---

It was like any other day in the mental institute.

You know how the rooms are all painted white? Well, they do this because it kills the eyes of the crazy people so they can't murder the staff. Pretty wild, right? No, I am most certainly NOT making this up. Go check it up in the Internet.

Well, anyways, our extreme and utterly passionate heroine decided to take a break from walking and screaming "Oh my gosh! I'm almost there!" for three days straight and yet only have walked 2 miles. Yes, life was passing VERY slowly with our much-loved crazy girl.

"WHAT? Who was that??"

Tsk, tsk. It seems like our heroine still doesn't know she is being viewed.

"I'm telling ya, come out! Come out you crazy pedophile so I can blast your ass with my fan!"

You should talk. And it seems to me that our female protagonist does not need much teaching in persuasion.

"I'm warning youse!"

Or in grammar! Isn't wittle Temari just the cutest thing?

"I am NOT cute! I'm sexy."

………………

Well, to go on with the story.

As our protagonist has tied my staff and I to a tree, we can now never relax and not worry about the "sudden outbursts and tantrums" of a mentally sick child.

Temari rushed her way to the Konoha Borders, just to be stopped by two dudes with a huge block of wood behind them.

"Halt, little girl!" Thus, bringing the blonde into a fit, screaming many incoherent words.

"I am NOT little! And let me in, I have a donut." The men's eyes suddenly light up, as they struggled to keep their sanity.

"Ahh…umm… Is it… jelly-filling?" The girl smirked, and evil glint hidden in her eye.

"Jelly with an 'E'." One of them started to shake, bowing instantly to the jelly-filled goodness.

"We'll let you in. Now please, _give us the donut!_" Temari brought a finger to her chin.

"Hmmm…" With a tapping motion with the finger, the blonde acted out a long thought process. "Hmmm…" Then her eyes twinkled.

"Uh-uh-uh. Let me in first."

"Fine. Fine!" The dumb guards allowed the crazy girl into Konoha grounds. Poor dudes, they won't know what hit them…

" Now will you _give it to us?_" Grinning Temari nodded.

"Here ya go." With a swish, the girl threw the sweet over her head and into greedy twitchy hands, smirking as she witnessed their hopeless attempts to get the other to hand over it.

"Give it to me!"

"No! She threw at ME!"

"Yea, but she meant to throw it at ME."

"Idiots." It took Temari almost all her self- control to not break down and start laughing at that situation. _'The things I do for love…'_

She watched as the two men fought for the jelly donut…or was it??

As one of the guards finally got hold of the treasure, he sneered as the other whimpered in sadness.

He peeled the sugary crust off. _Mmm…_

He dug with his tongue to find escape in the jelly heaven. _Yumm…_

And with that, his eyes snapped open. _Mmhmm – huh?_

Inside was…

_**Empty!?!?**_

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

Heehee. I had a lot of fun with this chapter. And u know how people ALWAYS portray police officers as donut-eating freaks? Well, so I was like "hey that's a good idea." And I wrote it down. Hey and I also found a new way in which the readers can interact with the authors. It's called "Sharing Ideas."

U guys can tell me which character you want me to pick on in the next chapter, like wat I did to Gaara and Kankuro at the last chapter. There wasn't much picking on in this chapter, not so much if u dun count the guards of course. D

So, who will it be? Neji or Sakura? Naruto or Lee? Vote for your character as either a review or a private message. Remember, it can be ANYONE (well, not your highshcool janitor but you know wat I mean XD) I enjoy challenges. But to tell u the truth, if the idea is too hard, it might not be very funny.

So pick wisely. My hands are itching to type rite now…


	3. Chapter 3

My Crazy 'Ole Sis

My Crazy 'Ole Sis

By: remnantsofsanity

Summary: I'm back guys! Ch3: Temari gives a guest a makeover. If you guys like comedy, COM right in! (;

A/N: Yeaa it's been like 3 yrs since I last updated, but it wasn't my fault I swear!! I no longer have a thirst for naruto fanfiction nor any other, but I decided I left you guys hangin for too god damn long. Plus, I just gotta give you guys SOMETHING. Anyways, on with the fic!

--

Hey you. Yea you. What, forgot my name already? Geez, you non-shinobi freaks have such bad memory.

-subordinate whispers in ear-

Oh, oops! It's been _that_ long already?

…

Well, I wouldn't know, being TIED TO A CHAIR IN A BIKINI FOR 365 DAYS!

Make that 36_6. _

-awkward silence-

Especially with my doll – er, I mean _puppet _– shoved up my ass behind me. Geez, if Temari says she's a size zero, that must have been _years_ ago. Did I ever tell you I was allergic to hardwood? Before I knew it, huge red swellings started appearing all over my body, and _no_ it wasn't _pretty!_

Anyways, I have no intention of showing you my nearly nude body, to do both you _and_ me a favor…SO let's see what my sis been up to…

-pulls out a mirror-

Oh Kanky you look good in this! Oh yes you do! _Yes you do_!

-turns around and stares blankly at crowd-

Y-you didn't see _anything_!

--

Meanwhile…

A certain mentally unstable creature wanders about the Konoha marketplace wearing fishnets and a huge ass fan sticking out of her back. Yep, you guessed it. 'Twas the crazy Temari.

_Said girl grins wildly._

"Now, now narrator, you wouldn't want to be tied to a tree again, would you?"

No, no I wouldn't.

Anyways, Temari was just checking the area for any whiff of dumb blond when she accidentally walked into a tree.

"Ow, what the hell! Who plants a BUSH in the middle of nowhe- ohh _ah!"_

Mister plant stares at our crazy protagonist with a weird expression on his face.

"Greetings! I am Rock Lee, and I must say, your beauty burns hot with the intensity of a thousand suns! Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Greetings! I am Temari, and I must say, you're BUTT ASS ugly! And NO, I will not be your girlfriend, nor would any other girl in the vicinity!"

Tsk, tsk. Now that wasn't very nice Tem-tem. Why don't you apologize to the poor lad?

"Why don't I shove a stick up your ass?"

Sigh. Don't you have any feelings? You are so mean.

"Thanks, I was born like that!"

"SOB! WHAAAA!"

_Temari turn around._

"What's wrong with you, Ugly freak?"

"Nobody likes me! –_sniff– _I wanna be a real boy!"

"There, there Pinocchio. We'll find the blue fai – what the HELL? Who's scripts are these?"

Hehe. Sorry 'bout that (:

Anywho, back to the story. Feeling a jab of guilt, pity, and strangely, constipation, our heroine agrees to aid Lee in finding a friend.

"Back straight – no slouching! And quit it with the green, you're giving me a seizure."

"Alright, alright Temari-san! But I can't help it if I have bad taste in fashion!"

Our protagonist grins madly.

"Ok, first thing we gotta do is shave your head. Even shiny bald is better than greasy bowl cut."

Mister plant sweatdrops.

"B-but I _like_ my greasy bowl cut! Master Gai says it shows off my eternal youth!"

"Well, your Master Gai is an idiot then. 'Cause you look even more like a freak than ever. We gotta wax your unibrow too."

"I don't have a unibrow."

-_takes out a chainsaw-_

"What did you say? Did I just hear you don't have a unibrow?"

Smart old Lee shakes his head.

"No, no of course not! It's right here! It's all thick and uni."

"Good. Now let's get cracka lackin."

"HEY ROCK LEE! WATS UP DATTEBAYO!"

Oh, shit.

Author's final comments:

Ok, hope you guys are not as mad now. Umm, next chapter would come in a matter of weeks, maybe if I've got the time (

Until then, don't kill me. It's kinda hard to write this story now since I really don't have a big interest in writing anymore, but I'll do it just for the awesome reviewers. You guys rock!


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